sitsandwaits

mentally just been starting the day with the unshakable feeling that I really shouldn't be here. I hate a lot about this time of year... a lot. I hate the greed the most I just cant handle it, its probably the ugliest human emotion I've ever seen, jealousy.... thats bad but its nothing on greed, the want for material goods. It just makes me feel sick. I don't know why, I just think life should be more than wanting something in a shop made by some kid in a sweatshop, you know? And yet everyday I get judged beause my clothes have seen better days I don't understand it. Its this time of year in which I know I'll get judged if I haven't bought the right thing for someone or haven't spent enough. I'm bored of it I find it so shallow. Its also this time of year that I realize how little I know about the people I surround myself with all year.  I also feel incredibly lonely. Last night I tucked sid into bed for christssake. I kinda understand why I did it... he's made me the happiest all winter, that and JD. But fucking hell I'm 16 years old what the fuck am I doing? At night i wish i was someone else somewhere else doing something else. Instead I sit and pretend I am just to coax myself to sleep. I've already thought up my New Years resolution 'I have to move forwards in every aspect of my life' I don't really understand the full extent of it yet, but i know its going to send ripples through my little existence. I never do my best and I always feel like I could do more so maybe I should start.  Im in despair. Just in fucking despair. My brains turning into overactve mush.  I hope 2010 will bring acceptance to my situation and a realization that calms everything, I doubt it because life changes too much...